A guest post from a friend. Send your fatwahs to Justin Welby...
“Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.” - Seneca
So let's see... First our omniscient and omnipotent God created the world and put Adam and Eve in Paradise. They could do everything they wanted except eating that forbidden apple from the tree of knowledge. But this was a trap! Our wise God created them curious but wanted them to remain ignorant. They did eat the apple and God got angry and threw them out of Paradise. (God only knows how God can get angry if he is omniscient and omnipotent; anger implies surprise and surely an omniscient God must have known this was about to happen? I guess he must have said "let me be angry" - but that's beside the point because "inscrutable are the ways of the Lord".)
Then Adam and Eve had kids and mucked around a bit. So God became angry again (yes, of course he knew this was about to happen, and, as usual, he just said "let me be angry", because he *wanted* to be angry, because nothing happens without God's knowledge and will of course).
So! To teach those ingrate humans a lesson, he artificially inseminated a woman in Palestine, without bothering to ask her or her husband. She got pregnant while remaining a virgin and bore him a son, the purest and noblest of humans. Then God waited till his son was thirty something and then had him brutally tortured and killed, so that the sins of all the other humans could be forgiven (by the same omniscient and omnipotent God who made them happen in the first place).
Then God resurrected his son and brought him to Heaven to sing some
hallelujah in praise of his daddy. (Actually, one day of torture is not a bad bargain for eternal life, especially if you have some magic tricks up your sleeve, such as walking on water and healing lepers. Many people suffer far more and yet they get no eternal life. I guess it
pays to be born in the right family of divine privilege.)
And so it was accomplished! God said "let me be a happy God again" and placed his son's corpse on his corporate logo.
Hallelujah! The world's greatest religion was born and turned the clock of human development back by a thousand years. And still counting, especially in America.
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